Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
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I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
cry laughing at this shit
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.