Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
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Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders