Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
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I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.