I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
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Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated