MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
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How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
#Caturday
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.