If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
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[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.