dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
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You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
May have had one breakfast too many
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.