Hard not to take this personally
You Might Also Like
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Make new friends? bro out of what?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My current situation
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
At least my masseuse has my back.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.