Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
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You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Breaking news:
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.