ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
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Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Good point.