Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
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If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Erm I’m gonna say no
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
PLEASE READ
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
cats when you pet them too long:
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Cheer up.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.