My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
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Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Good advice.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off