Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
You Might Also Like
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I can’t wait!
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this