9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
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me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I got bills
They’re multiplying
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….