PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
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‘I know a black person’
– White people
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.