*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
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To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
reviewed some movies recently
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.