That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
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1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
uncle dave has been through hell
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?