A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
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So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
A great tip. #CakeRex
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!