You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
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If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
White Castle for the Win
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Velcrow
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.