I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
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When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.