[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
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I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then