Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
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[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed