A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
You Might Also Like
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I love the honesty
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫