You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
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Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.