Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
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Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
😜
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults