Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
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We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Tuesday
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having