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The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.