Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
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What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.