I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
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Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all