“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
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If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Lol.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Hotels are back
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.