When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
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Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
constantly working on myself.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live