Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
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interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
the best thing i’ve ever made
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow