[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
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Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting