Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
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going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I need better friends
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.