My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
He just like my cat fr
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*