Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
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C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.