OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
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Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
getting corrected
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?