Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
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What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
We are the people our parents warned us about.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…