The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
These are my roll models.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.