DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
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If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here