60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
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If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Salad is the decaf of food.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
[montage of me giving-up]
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.