[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
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I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”