When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
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A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.