If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
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boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I hope this email finds you in a well
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN