I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
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Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh