[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
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Am I having a stroke?
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.