Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
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When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Well, this explains it:
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*