interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
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Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.