Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
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I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I need this for my side hustle.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
describing stardew valley
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old