In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
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i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?